In the new year, I'm writing one for myself, briefly summing up the story of the past year. If I were to describe last year in one phrase, it would be "bewildered searching," as the title says. The past year was the year I independently began my research work, the year I steeped myself in the lab, the year I walked along in a daze. Then let me reminisce about the past days from a few angles, and offer a slight summary.
To Walking with Head Bowed Along the Road Beneath My Feet
Since I'm a graduate student, I should talk about research first. Although I'm only an insignificant little master's student, I have nevertheless been earnestly working for myself. Over the past year I read some literature, also explored a problem and tried out my own solution. During this time I also organized some essays on life and some essays on papers. I have been earnestly completing my lab work, and earnestly attending group meetings as well.
I have been a bit too focused on the small road in front of me. By only walking the road beneath my feet, one can only walk the road beneath one's feet. The bustle alongside the road can't be seen, the broader road beside it can't be seen, the passersby alongside it can't be seen either. In the new year, I hope I can lift my head more often to look ahead and to glance to the side, and not always keep my head down.
In terms of mindset, there has indeed been a tremendous shift. I am less and less willing to express my own views, more and more appreciative of others' self-expression, more and more inclined to look at the various things I encounter with a critical eye, and so even more disinclined to express my own views. I like to stuff my ears shut. Physiological neurasthenia and a psychological inattention to the trivial affairs of others double up, all the more making me only mind walking my own road.
To Continuing to Wear the Shackles of Self-Discipline
The growth trajectory from childhood and the various forms of disciplining I received before college still profoundly shape my present mode of thinking. The "proper conduct" I was admonished into and the various unrealistic expectations placed on me still become inexplicable self-imposed restrictions. The stereotyped impressions already fixed in others' minds still exist and will exist for a long time to come.
In real-life, three-dimensional reality, I'm still the one who quietly listens to others chat at gatherings and then speaks up in the brief pauses when everyone takes a momentary break (but because everyone is chatting so much that I can't find a pause longer than two seconds, so I don't speak, so others assume I'm withdrawn) - in fact I only speak when I'm asked, in a crowd. Chatting with friends in a group, I jokingly call this my binary exponential backoff algorithm, CSMA/CD.
To Self-Indulgence and Wantonness
Fortunately, QQ has become my last patch of mental private ground, the last unguarded resting spot, where I can shoot the breeze unrestrainedly with friends from groups and from QZone. Over the past year I've made (relatively, compared with previous years) many new friends, and gone through with them many unforgettable nights of unbroken talk, sharing the inner journeys of growing up.
I detest all backstabbing of others, detest all excessive and malicious speculation, and detest even more those who in various settings spread rumors and gossip. How others are, how others act, what others are up to - these are all their own choices; what need is there for someone else to evaluate the reasons why? Why must one "interpret" things and then force that interpretation onto others, regardless of whether the other party is interested?
But there does seem to be a certain kind of circle where, if you don't shoot the breeze with one another, you can't blend in. The later one comes into contact with such a circle, the better.
To the Laughter Along the Way
On the evening of New Year's Day I had dinner with an old senior I hadn't seen for five years, and was told I'd already become a haggard wage-slave... Even so, my own self-perception is still all right - perhaps I've simply been domesticated. In the past year, I really did experience many happy things, and I'm especially grateful for the company and interaction of everyone in the lab.
Holding the lying-flat attitude of "don't blame yourself, blame others," the road has indeed been full of sunshine. To live in this world is just to take a single trip; you can never tell when calamity might fall from the sky and one will suddenly perish - so why, while still drawing breath, struggle to scrub the mud off one's own face?
In the end, I hope that the brand-new year can pass plainly and unhurriedly, undisturbed by either glory or disgrace.